What you wish for

Yesterday I was hurrying home from shopping, driving through the parking lot and happened to glance over and see a young guy walking along the sidewalk. I thought, “Wow, he looks like Andrew” and I looked again. He looked JUST like Andrew, at least from that distance. He was striding along in my direction with the smallest hint of a smile on his face. I don’t think he ever noticed me, he was just looking ahead with that smile. It reminded me of just something Andrew would do if he had seen me. He might not look directly at me, just walk straight ahead until he got close and then he’d dart over to my car and stick his head in my window or something crazy. As he walked closer, I could see he was actually a little taller than Andrew and turned my car reluctantly out of the lot. It felt sort of like waking up from a dream. That choking sadness of missing him. Such a physical reminder was a blow.

The experience stayed with me the rest of the day and into the night as I lay thinking about it. I began to realize it was a little lesson to me. For so long I have wondered why God couldn’t or wouldn’t give me some sort of unmistakable, clear glimpse of Andrew. I just thought how could it be too much for God to let us see him again, if just for a minute. God could do it, couldn’t he? And doesn’t he see how much I need this? Why is he so silent, so MEAN?

But I realized how actually seeing Andrew again for a couple minutes would be so unsatisfying, so painful-how hard to let him go again. Seems like common sense would tell me this but I guess it took a little more. My small, human mind was so frustrated, so demanding, wondering why can’t God just give me this? God knew that if he gave me what I thought I wanted, it would only break my heart.


karena said...

It was hard to stop the tears after I read this.
I got such a vivid picture of Andrew kind of sauntering
along by your car, letting you see him, but not his face,
and just smirking a little as he walked...then rushing
over and saying something crazy. Exactly the kind of thing he would do...you're right. So glad you had this
conclusion about why God wouldn't allow that..

Claire said...

It's really weird- a couple of times recently I have seen guys that reminded me of Andrew...maybe not strikingly but the shape of the back of their head or something like that...

Thanks for sharing.

melbrown said...

Yes-- thank you for sharing your rich insights.

Funny that we can't stop wanting any crumbs we can get... I wonder if in heaven God will replay every specific moment of longing like this one, so He can blow us away in revealing the perfect fulfillment of every one.

asaphat said...

I remember dreaming about Andrew last fall...I was sitting next to him on a couch while we played a group game, and I could actually feel him sitting there in my dream. Waking up and remembering it wasn't true was a blow. But someday we'll wake up from THIS dream, this little dinky dream we call "Life on Earth," and it will be the most glorious experience ever! It will seem like an insignificant fleeting thought as we get on with real life, and Andrew will be there waiting for us.