Showing posts with label being a mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label being a mom. Show all posts

1/12/2012

Social phobias go to Storytime

Today I renewed my efforts to socialize our monster son. As we climbed into the car together, I turned on the cheer. "Adam, this is going to be fun! Just you and me!"

Adam, from the back seat, "When we get back home it will be more funner."

Yes, I had to silently agree. That's exactly how I feel. Let's go, get this done and get back home. Quickly. Preferably before anyone sees us.

I'm here to tell you there just isn't much of anything more tedious than Storytime at the library by the time you are attending with Child #3. It's like having to repeat Kindergarten three times. Who wouldn't get bored? Right?

Adam and I reluctantly joined the circle of fresh-faced young moms with their designer diaper bags, stilettos (yes!) and their precious offspring. These mothers ooze enthusiasm. Every utterance of their child is greeted with wide-eyed coos and delighted laughter. Every movement celebrated. I always marvel at their energy.

I grew so weary of trying to involve Adam on any level that we both sat and stared grumpily at the carpet. Mothers and newborn babies performed elaborate dance steps all around us and placed their beanbags appropriately on their heads. Adam growled and kicked me.

We stuck it out.

When the last repetitive page was wrung dry and the goodbyes handed out, we fled to the toy section of the library before the other horrible human beings could follow.

Adam played happily for about two minutes until a little boy wandered over. We moved away to a nearby mirror. Our new friend, apparently without a guardian, joined the shot.

Library mirror


"He keeps FOLLOWING me!" was Adam's outraged cry.

Oh, boy after my own heart. Why do I need to change you?

1/02/2012

Kids keepin' it real

It just might have something to do with the fact that I'm their mother, but I'm fascinated by the pictures my kids take. I had way too much fun going through our little camera today, deleting most shots and finding a few keepers from as far back as October.

They pose for each other in different ways than they might for me:



.
















I love seeing the world they choose to frame and the items they find important.





















There were more than a few hideous shots of me in various degrees of Bad Hair Day. I reserve the right to edit in this case.


I realized while clicking through the shots: these blurry, gritty moments are a truer representation of my life than the carefully cropped, often edited bits I choose to show.













Because the truth ain't always pretty. The truth has a lot of bad hair days in this house.

Just in case you were wondering.

9/09/2011

Dont worry, be happy now

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought,
and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.

G. K. Chesterton

I'm feeling less than thankful at the moment. Really kind of sick to my stomach over some bad news today. Not earth-shattering-someone's-dying kind of news, just car-trouble-money-stressfulness. An ideal time to focus on other things. And hope that it helps.

Around noon today, the sun poked out. I assumed it was fleeting and ran to get my camera.

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Trying to keep ahead of Sadie's ravenous wailing (if I let her she would eat every food item in the house, perishable and non) and frantic signs for "MORE, MORE!", I snapped a few pictures of my favorite flower. Who cares if they're a little brown around the edges? They manage a cheerfulness I could never achieve.



After getting Adam settled at the table with food, the sun was still around so I snapped a few more pictures of my latest knitting obsession. The boy hat. So far, so good. And the yarn (Malabrigo) is just right.

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I'm looking forward to making a couple of these, maybe even three if I can stretch 2 skeins that far.

Even though I'm still getting the occasional tomato out of my own garden, it was nice to get 3 gorgeous, ripe ones all at once, along with some peppers, from a friend of Keith's.

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Salsa came to mind and I tried this recipe, via Smitten Kitchen. It was perfect.

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(A food photographer I am not)

Because we somehow had an excess of milk (that never happens), I made some yogurt today. It's really just a few minutes of stirring and keeping it warm for a few hours after that. Believe me, it tastes a lot better than it looks here.

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Drew was supposed to have his first soccer practice on Wednesday but it was canceled and rescheduled twice since then because of rain. It is several miles away and I wouldn't even have attempted it myself without a car but Keith was home today and decided he could do it. By bike. With all the boys. He is braver than I.

In lieu of car
I'm glad I recently finished my custom safety flag for our bike trailer.

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Sadie and I hung out at home and listened to her cry for a couple hours. Idyllic. Like in the movies.

But I did manage to get a photo of her boots in the three seconds that she wore them.

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Now I'm sitting here trying not to bite my nails as it gets darker and darker and the boys aren't home yet. Back to square one.

6/14/2011

Birthday girl

I am not one to romanticize phases of child-rearing. Least of all, the newborn drudgery. But I have found, not surprisingly, a growing confidence with each child and as a result, enjoyed Sadie's early baby days more than her brothers'. Long ago I threw out the stopwatch used to time feedings, the Babywise book that made me feel like a failure and only tried to take her temperature once in the first year of her life.

Armed with previous experience, low expectations and the memory of how quickly it passes, I resolved to enjoy every moment possible.

And here we are. One year later. I'm so glad I made a point to notice those squeaky baby noises while they lasted. To enjoy the excited discovery of older brothers.



He loves her

That ability to sleep soundly surrounded by noise.

Sleepy smiles

The sleepy smiles. The legs pulled up tight as she curled against my chest. That perfect fit under my chin.

2 weeks old!

I worked extra hard at that living-in-the-moment thing; anxiety, sleepless nights and clamoring siblings notwithstanding.

I'm also glad I took about a million pictures. Already I've forgotten so much.

Happy birthday to my baby. I can't wait for all the moments this next year brings.

Ready to devour

6/10/2011

Soccer envy

I've been walking around with this quote in my head recently, "Comparison is the thief of joy".

I have almost always lived in communities where the general population is more affluent than I am. I'm kind of used to it. But it's something else to see it through the eyes of your own children. To demand contentment as I struggle with it myself.

We've been tying ourselves in knots this soccer season, wondering what to do for Ethan in the future. He has played this past year in a "developmental league", part of a popular soccer club he's been with for years.

Coaches have been telling us he is ready for the next level, a travel team. Of course, these coaches work for the club and are also salesmen. They offer dreams of soccer happiness and prestige. They make it sound necessary. I let myself buy into it.

Unfortunately, it's a pricey dream. I don't like to talk (whine) about finances on my blog. But it's a part of life and unavoidable sometimes. The best travel teams charge at least $1300 per year around these parts.

Yes, we are talking about a child playing a sport. Just a game. Which Ethan loves. Which Ethan is good at and passionate about. It's something we would like to give him.

I looked around for alternatives and thanks to a good recommendation, thought I'd found one. A team with the added benefit of including many of Ethan's school friends. I took Ethan to a couple practices to check it out. Unfortunately, our hopes were dashed when the projected price for next season was presented.

I must admit,initially, I thought we could do it and was ready to push for it. Then I slept on it and found some sense. Yes, it would be possible but not at all responsible. We have three other children. This is soccer we are talking about.

I got some perspective. Realized that this was probably more about my own ego, wanting to be part of the best, wanting Ethan to be among the best, than anything else. I was feeling the need to give my children what all the children around them seem to have.

We're not talking about feeding or clothing or educating my child. We are talking about kicking a ball.

And I had a good ol' ugly cry but now I'm done. I think.

We can still put Ethan back in the same league for one more year and worry about what to do later. It's a good league, with good coaches and honestly, when I get my head on straight, I realize it's more than enough.

Now, to tell Ethan.

5/07/2011

Happy Mother's Day



















"Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face"
George Eliot

1/19/2011

I should get paid for this

Oh, the grand and laughable ideals I had before having children of my own. One was to play games with them as often as I possibly could. Ha, ha. I did play a lot more when Ethan was little than I ever have with the others but I can't say I enjoyed it much. There are only so many rounds of Candy Land a thinking adult can tolerate.

As Ethan gets older though, the selection is slightly less mind numbing. We have a good number of games that can be pretty fun if I'm willing to make the time commitment.

Sadly, there is always MUCH TO BE DONE. All the endless minutia that grows fangs if left too long. And, of course, facebook and blogs to read, pictures to edit. Down time to be fought for.

Enter Bananagrams. I hadn't planned to buy this game for Christmas but I saw it and remembered some positive reviews, so I grabbed it. Worth every penny.

Bananagrams

It's a kind of informal scrabble. Each player works to use up their individual collection of letters before the others. One round can go quickly and the game itself is easily portable, a zippered pouch full of letters. It really is fun and there's the extra bit about it being educational and all. Like learning that "coved" is a word. Who knew? I didn't.

Ethan really enjoys it (when he's not losing) and it even managed to trump videogame time when he had a friend over today. Our less literate children play versions of their own, Drew spelling out his name obsessively and Adam making long lines of letters. Totally normal!

Sadie just watches from her perch and looks cute.

Day 16: I'm cute

9/21/2010

What I'm loving right now

The color that is coming:






















My recently completed Monteagle bag:






















It expands to hold a large amount of objects and is deceptively strong. I used some yarn I'd had in my stash forever (Berroco linen flax) but ran out on the handle. Only then did I discover this yarn has been discontinued. Thanks to a kind soul on Ravelry who was willing to sell me a skein from their stash.

This top-down bonnet for Sadie:















I made it a little big, remembering that this pattern tends to run small. Little heads grow so fast. Used Paton's silk bamboo which is nice and soft but terribly unforgiving yarn. I dropped (and fixed) a couple stitches and it looks like a Tasmanian Devil had a party in the dead center of the hat.

Ethan's schoolwork: (I love that soccer has become a coping skill)






















Finding the perfect color for Sadie's room. And making some progress there. (More to come on that soon...I hope.)






















Beautiful weather and a nature walk with Adam and Sadie: (with Sadie asleep)

















It's rare that I have any quality alone time with any of my kids these days. I'm trying to make it a priority. With Ethan and Drew in school, for a few mornings a week, I'm able to give more attention to Adam.






















We had fun searching for little bits of nature to bring back home with us.

9/09/2010

Soccer practice prep

Five cleanish sweatshirts/jackets: check.
Two pairs of two different size diapers: check.
Wipes: check.
Trash bag for dirty diaper: check.
Four hats: check.
Snacks for two: check.
Water bottles for three: check.
Stroller: check.
Chairs: check.
Blanket: check.
Soccer ball: check.
Cleats: check.
Shin guards: check.
Toys to (hopefully) occupy two boys for an hour: check.
Four cleaned and dressed children....hmmm, check.
Pacifier: check.
Extra outfit for baby: check.
Keys, wallet, sunglasses, cell phone: check.
Basic grooming of self: maybe next time.

9/05/2010

A year of Adam

My little Adam is an intense creature. Like a southern summer day, all light and charm, then suddenly, thunder. The most affectionate of all my children and the most violent. Angry, stubborn and determined, with a smile that swallows you.

He dismays and delights. At times, despite my best intentions, I'm left panting in the wake of his will. I can't keep up. I understand his instincts because I recognize them as my own. He is so much like me.

How to help this boy learn to focus his determined spirit for good and not for monstrous selfishness? It's a tall order. I hope I'm up to it.

In the meantime, I'm going to treasure the prize of every single, chubby hug he has to offer.



"Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me."


(Sort of, Ingrid Michaelson)

8/12/2009

He's Seven!















Happy birthday to my explorer.






















A chubby little toddler who drew me out of a dark place simply by needing his mother.

He's curious, sensitive, brave yet cautious, an introvert who loves his friends, a voracious reader with a love for almost any sport.

Slowly he is growing into himself and moving away from me. That's how it's supposed to be. Our lives are so much richer with his spirit.

7/18/2009

Good things















My days are very rarely a picture of domestic bliss. We are tired and whiny, often angry and overwhelmed like the rest of the world. Just a disclaimer, which I'm sure most people knew anyway.

There are days though, I am able to find and focus on one or two moments that were really just about perfect. They are moments and they do pass but today there were several and today I needed them.

It's been a cool, mostly bright day. Odd for July, but a nice break from warm weather. I am loving this strange summer we've had with its low humidity and breaks from the heat. Perfect.

It seemed like a good day for some homemade bread, which we were out of anyway. The weekend phenomenon at our house: No bread, milk or cereal. Always happens. I found this recipe which was originally for a bread machine but it worked just fine by hand.















While the dough was rising, we got outside for a walk/ride to the neighborhood "park". Drew rode his bike all the way which was a first for him. He was thrilled with his accomplishment.






















We walked down the trail there looking for wildlife of any sort but didn't find much. We did find some blackberries though, which we brought home to enjoy with our bread.















I remembered that we had some heavy cream on hand from making ice-cream earlier this week (which, by the way, was a total disaster, ending in a trip to the dentist for me), which we used to make butter. Easy as pie. Put the cream in a jar and shake it. Or give it to your toddler who will shake it once and clasp it to himself like hidden treasure until you pry it from him.






















The smell of bread baking, the taste of bread with homemade butter. Can't get much better than that.


















































My day got even better at the mailbox when I found this much anticipated arrival. I haven't done much knitting lately and I have a project in mind. My fingers are itching.

5/18/2009

That time of year

Second grade. Windows cracked open, the cut-grass smell noisy in our heads. It's a fun project day and our moods match the end-of-year weather. The ultimate in instant-gratification gardening: the ubiquitous Project Bean Sprout. Styrofoam cups are labeled, the large seeds buried and watered, dirt spread on our desks. The cups lined up in trays on window sills.















I remember that did-it-myself satisfaction, presenting this gift to my mother. Now, on the receiving end, every year since Ethan started preschool, I feel a double pleasure holding my hands out for this sturdy little sprout. The pride of his accomplishment and the memory of my own.

3/20/2009

Quiz:

When your son complains day after day about a boy who "will not let him use the tire swing" at recess, the tire swing being all his heart desires:

A. Tell him to ask nicely and wait his turn.

B. When the Tire Swing King still does not permit access, tell him to just ignore him and find something else to do.

C. Entertain fantasies of storming the playground yourself with some harsh words for the TSK.

D. Finally, in frustration, tell your son he must "stand up for himself" and take his place upon the coveted rubber throne in a firm, deliberate manner.

E. All of the above, with no success.

1/08/2009

Labor of lunch

In the first few days of the school year, Ethan came home with some devastating news: no peanut products allowed in his classroom or the cafeteria. There goes my no-brainer lunch menu for the year. Suddenly I had to be a little creative. I started asking around and looking online and discovered a whole amazing world outside of my peanut butter and jelly rut. I became instantly smitten with the idea of bento boxes but not enough to justify ditching his brand new lunch bag/box. If you want to be simultaneously depressed and inspired, go look at these lunches. My dinners aren't this involved.

After some initial grumbling I've been forced to think outside the box (aaaahg!) and embrace a little more variety. Even so, we got stuck in a cream-cheese on bagels and occasional turkey sandwich routine which is getting old. As usual, I have new year resolutions of fitness and good health marching around my subconscious. I'm hoping to come up with some more good ideas, preferably with the focus on fruits and vegetables. I need some simple, fool-proof, healthy input!

12/16/2008

To Do...or Not To Do

This week I'm leaning heavily on my List, as if it will magically keep me on track.

-Christmas cards (check)
-bake a variety of goodies and distribute to keep us in our neighbor's good graces (check)
-find someone to feed our cats when we're gone (check)
-dream up ideas for teacher's gifts and execute (partial check)
-shop for clothes that fit for public appearances. Fail to find any garment that makes me look normal. Feel depressed (check)
-buy, wrap and mail presents to members of my family (check)
-buy, wrap and pack presents to bring for Keith's family (partial check)
-buy, and wrap presents for Drew's birthday on Thursday (partial check)
-buy food for our trip and Ethan's school Christmas party on Thursday
-finish knitting a gift that's taking much longer than anticipated
-pack every necessary item for three boys and myself
-clean out car
-make requested robot cake for Drew's birthday
-get haircut and bring gift for hairdresser
-make sure house is semi-decent for the neighbors who will be feeding the cats and exploring at will
-stop Adam from repeatedly hurling raw potatoes at the window (check)
-decide whether to finish sewing Christmas projects for boys or wait until Christmas Eve
-worry about traveling to and staying in a place with no power, or very limited power
-worry about the weather prediction for our travel day (freezing rain/snow/winter weather advisory)
-bite nails (check)
-tackle mountain of laundry
-be thankful we are all on the recovery end of various ailments
-drive 13 hours straight and keep sanity
-maintain happy, Christmas feelings
-whine, complain (check)
-waste time online (check)

9/02/2008

First day

My child and I hold hands on the way to school,
And when I leave him at the first-grade door
He cries a little but is brave; he does
Let go. My selfish tears remind me how
I cried before that door a life ago.
I may have had a hard time letting go.

-from September, The First Day Of School by Howard Nemerov
















No, he did not cry. He didn't even hold my hand. I was sad for him not to be happily surrounded by his old buddies. In spite of my own misgivings, Ethan was quietly excited, ready to make new friends.

7/05/2008

It's a long one


















Drew was able to come home yesterday...thanks everyone for your prayers and sympathy. We are still waiting for some test results but he seems to be feeling much better.

Wednesday morning when he woke up coughing, gagging and throwing up, I wasn't all that worried because he has had several strange episodes since January where he couldn't keep anything down for several hours and then, suddenly, was all better. Of course I was a little worried about this developing pattern and began to wonder if it might be a food intolerance. The last time it happened, though, was April and I hoped the problem might have resolved.

This time, however, the vomiting just wouldn't stop and actually began to increase in frequency as the afternoon wore on. Finally, after hours, I called his pediatrician who recommended we head straight to the ER. His vomit was becoming quite colorful and his cries of pain ever louder. Turns out, stomach acid is neither tasty nor soothing to the skin.

I pulled Ethan and Drew out of their beds, prepared them as quickly as I could and we headed out. We arrived at the ER around 8 pm and were ushered into a small, curtained-off area, never dreaming we would spend the night there. Poor Drew continued to throw up, his mouth bleeding, for two more hours while various people stopped by, poked and prodded and asked the same questions over and over. Around 10 pm they put in an IV and he was able to get some fluids. That's when his vomiting stopped.

Ethan and Adam were wide awake and ready to run laps, climb mountains, tear down Gorbachev's wall and eat it but sadly were asked to sit still and STOP DOING THAT! Well, Adam was not asked to sit but I did silently beg for him to at least become sleepy like any normal baby might, hours after his bedtime. Instead, he squirmed and kicked in my arms until 1 am.

I sent Keith some messages but was not able to contact him and my battery began to beep.

Doctors ordered x-rays and blood tests and we all traipsed around the hospital to the x-ray room. They asked if I wanted to stand next to Drew during his pictures and I said that of course I would but, you see (don't you?), I have these other kids right here and what to do with them? Oh. So, Ethan, Adam and I squeezed ourselves in behind the little window in the x-ray room with a technician who apparently was not aware that ten-month old babies cannot give high-fives and aren't really amused by surgical gloves blown up like balloons with a face drawn on it. I appreciated the effort though.

Around midnight the doctor told us that they wanted to admit Drew. The x-rays looked good but they wanted to do further GI studies to rule out something like an impacted or twisted bowel. His white blood count was high as well.

I explained to them that my husband was out of town and I didn't have many options but I really wanted to stay with Drew. Everyone was very understanding and went off with promises of "working things out". In an hour or so, a new nurse or doctor would come by and try to convince me to leave Drew in a room with another family since there were no private rooms. I said that I would rather take him home with me or sleep outside his room in the hall if need be. "Oh well, I understand. We'll see what we can do."

Around 1 am, a very kind ER nurse decided to take matters into her own hands and rolled in another cot for us. We were surrounded by bright lights and loud noises but I was grateful to be able to stay. I lay at the end of both beds, listening to the sounds of "environmental services" mopping a few feet from me. Someone yelled a joke to a co-worker. A mother of a nearby patient told her sad life-story to an orderly. New doctors came in around 3 am, and asked us all the same questions.

6 am we were magically admitted to a room and trekked across the hospital to get there. More doctors, same questions, more tests. Drew had had enough. He begged for water and to get OUT. They did a blood draw and an hour later realized they needed to do another one. In between his cries, he slept.

Finally, it became clear we would be there for many hours, if not another night, so I called Keith on the hospital phone and he was able to head back. Which was surely a good thing. He was able to take over and stay with Drew that night.

In terms of a diagnosis, the GI studies (swallow and x-rays) did not show a problem. His white blood cell count came back down. Thursday night they did a blood culture to test for celiac disease. Results are pending. Hopefully, we'll have some answers soon.